man is the warmest place to hide - The Thing (1982)

love it when the tagline does my job for me

John Carpenter’s Apocalypse Trilogy? Completed it, mate.

Spoilers follow, as usual, you know the drill by now. Mild content warning for one mention of suicide.

The Thing (1982)

Directed by: John Carpenter

Screenplay by: Bill Lancaster

Based on: the novella Who Goes There? by John W. Campbell (1938)

Starring: Kurt Russell, A. Wilford Brimley, T.K. Carter, David Clennon, Keith David, Richard Dysart, Charles Hallahan, et al.

Running time: 109 minutes

Original release date: June 25th 1982

the plot, in brief

Antarctica. A Norwegian helicopter pursues a sled dog to an American research station, drawing the attention of its inhabitants. They watch as the helicopter touches down, and the passenger accidentally blows both himself and the helicopter to smithereens. The pilot fires his rifle and feverishly tries to explain something to the Americans, but he’s speaking in Norwegian and is ultimately shot in self defense by the station’s commander, Garry (Donald Moffat).

Baffled by this strange turn of events, the Americans decide to investigate, taking in the dog in the process. After all, he’s probably harmless, right?

Right?

but first

I am thrilled to announce that we have a new addition to the The Horror The Horror’s Facial Hair Hall of Fame because joining Huub Stapel’s Amsterdamned mullet is Kurt Russell’s MAGNIFICENT hair and beard situation here, truly a work of art. It’s like the seventies never left, BRAVA.

the devil’s in the details so that’s where we’ll be

Look, you don’t need me to go through the entire plot of The Thing with a fine tooth comb. You do not need me to analyze what has been analyzed to death and back to come to the same conclusion most people already have done: this movie is fantastic.

It’s a beautifully balanced combination of a paranoid slow-burn And Then There Were None style thriller, truly grotesque alien body horror and Carpenter’s signature nihilism, anchored by a stunningly stoic performance from Kurt Russell. Yes, at the time of release people were absolutely not having it, and I do understand that it was released (or unleashed, probably) onto viewing audiences in the midst of a recession and in week two of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial absolutely dominating the box office (not to mention it had the misfortune of opening against Blade Runner, god, I would have simply given up, like sat down in the middle of the sidewalk and given up) - people weren’t ready for the other, nastier side of the alien coin.

But like many a movie both before and after it, extensive re-evaluation has elevated it rightly to the canon of all time great horrors. And rather than adding to the many strands of discussion that brought it there, I’d like to take a slightly different tactic and talk to you about little details. I want to know details. I want to notice things that you may not do on first watch. I want to drink in how the filmmaker took care of a story, bringing it to life not just by way of large set pieces and dramatic plot twists, but also by way of the tiny flourishes that add to the whole. And Carpenter is nothing if not generous with those little details in his films. So, rather than going through the whole plot, I present:

six details from The Thing that I found quite neat

1) the S-tier needledrop at the start of the film

As Nauls (T.K. Carter) roller-skates through the kitchen, the radio plays Superstition by Stevie Wonder, specifically the very superstitious, writing’s on the wall part. You can hear the song in the distance as the camera cuts through the various rooms on the base, and while it may seem like an obvious choice, it’s also a fucking banger of a tune used very well so there.

2) the frozen blood

When MacReady (Kurt Russell) and Dr. Copper (Richard Dysart) investigate the deserted Norwegian base, MacReady comes across the body of one of the team members. The man is holding a razor, with slashes across his wrist - it’s clear that whatever happened to him, he saw no other way out than to take his own life before it was taken from him. MacReady looks closer, and we see that the blood from the man’s wrist is frozen in the air, never having dripped to the ground.

3) how does one keep busy on an arctic research base

Well, there are two wolves inside you and one wants to partake in the little ping pong tournament going on in the opening of the film. The other wants to sit in his shack, alone, playing chess against the Chess Master computer. Both are equally valid, but both should also probably consider the third wolf, aka the lonely and unloved pinball machine.

I would choose you, pinball machine. I would. Mainly because I’m shite at ping pong and chess but still.

4) the many lewks of The Thing itself

Special effects make-up legend Rob Bottin (who had previously worked with Carpenter on The Fog) was 21 years old when he came on board The Thing. He worked on the effects for the movie, including the extensive designs of The Thing, seven days a week for a year and five months. He worked himself so hard that he ended up in hospital for double pneumonia (HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT HAPPEN), exhaustion and a bleeding ulcer.

But my god, what work it is. Every single iteration of The Thing is different. The idea of the alien lifeform surviving by first assimilating, then imitating other organisms makes for truly unnerving work because nobody who has been assimilated realizes that it’s happened to them until it’s too late. Every one of The Thing’s victims manifests differently - Bottin’s thinking was that this creature had been across universes and galaxies, and could call on different attributes it had absorbed over time as needed. The result is an unholy mix of the Frank resurrection from Hellraiser, MonstroElizaSue from The Substance, and the man dog face thing from the 1978 Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I mean, fucking LOOK AT THIS.

I commend Rob Bottin for his many many sacrifices (and Stan Winston for coming in and helping him not completely destroy himself) because if THIS FUCKING THING manifested itself in my head I’d simply run away screaming.

5) Dean Cundey’s work with lighting

There is a reason Carpenter worked with Cundey as often as he did and it’s because he’s the kind of guy who thinks of things like providing subtle illumination into the eyes of the characters uninfected by The Thing (keep an eye out for what looks a bit like a ring light shine, it’s there if you look for it). Cundey’s eye for those little flourishes, as well as his willingness to harmonize them with Bottin’s effects is what makes the visual aspect of this film truly sing.

6) the blood test

In the wake of the death of the Norris-Thing (that shot of its head escaping, like a gigantic spider, seen over MacReady’s shoulder, is grimly hilarious), MacReady, on edge and under suspicion, theorizes that it demonstrated that every part of The Thing is an individual life-form with its own survival instinct.

He comes up with the idea of testing the remaining team members’ blood samples with a heated piece of wire, figuring that the blood will try to escape if confronted with the heat. One by one, the survivors (reluctantly) offer up their blood for testing, and just when it looks like MacReady’s theory may be nonsense, Palmer (David Clennon) is exposed as his blood recoils viscerally from the heat. Palmer transforms into the Palmer-Thing, and breaks free from where he’s tied down, infecting radio operator Windows (Thomas Waites). MacReady is forced to incinerate both, unfortunately proving his test to be successful.

The idea of even The Thing’s blood being an individual life-form is rather fucking genius, and the test is a beautiful bit of quick thinking on MacReady’s part. It’s this kind of detail that makes me already want to watch the film again, because there’s a distinct feeling that I’ve missed about seven other things and I am nothing if not a completist. Carpenter knows damn well how to make a story sing, and his trilogy of apocalypses can stand shoulder to shoulder with Halloween as his best work. Because at the heart of all four of these films, however fantastical they may get, there is a thick thread of grounded human fear. And that’s what makes him one of the greats.

special bonus seventh thing

Question: what are the four sweetest words in cinema history?

Answer: MUSIC BY ENNIO MORRICONE