the temerity to rewrite Shakespeare - Theatre of Blood (1973)

A new contender in the race for the Messy Bitch Who Lives for Drama award emerges

Welcome to Vincent Price Does Shakespeare (*sort of), hope you enjoy the ride (AND WHAT A RIDE IT WILL BE).

Spoilers as per usual, although if you haven’t seen Theatre of Blood yet stop reading, go see it, and then come back because it’s an absolute must-see.

(trigger warning for mentions of suicide, very bad things done to dogs)

Theatre of Blood (1973)

Directed by: Douglas Hickox

Starring: Vincent Price, Diana Rigg, Ian Hendry, Harry Andrews, Coral Browne, Robert Coote, Jack Hawkins, Michael Hordern, Arthur Lowe, Robert Morley, Dennis Price, et al.

Running time: 104 minutes

Original release date: 5 April 1973 (US release), 7 June 1973 (UK release)

the plot, in brief

Two years after his humiliation at the Theatre Critics Guild awards, and his subsequent dramatic suicide (or so it seemed) by way of jumping into the Thames, faded Shakespearean thespian Edward Lionheart (Vincent Price) turns out to have miraculously survived… and he’s about to make that everybody’s problem as he begins a meticulous, deadly and decidedly theatrical crusade of vengeance against the Theatre Critics Guild members who destroyed his reputation.

but first

Yes he will be wearing a cape for a lot of his scenes, including the one where he jumps off the balcony into the Thames, why do you ask?

wielder of the brutal aphorism

Rather than do a straightforward write-up/review of Theatre of Blood, I present to you:

a non-exhaustive list of Things That Definitely Happen™ in Douglas Hickox’s Theatre of Blood

close enough, welcome back the Ides of March

The film begins with critic and council member George Maxwell (Michael Hordern) being called to attend a possible kerfuffle at a squatters property. At the property, he is met by police officers and asked to help dispatch the squatters. At first they seem merely reluctant to leave, but they soon turn on Maxwell, chasing him through the building before repeatedly stabbing him. He staggers, pleading with the police officer for help.

But help is not forthcoming. Instead, as he lays dying, Maxwell is shocked to see the police officer peel back his very obviously fake moustache to reveal someone he thought was dead: Edward Kendal Sheridan Lionheart (his full name, yes).

In the first of many bon mots, this exchange happens:

George Maxwell: You... It's you! But you're dead!

Edward Lionheart: No. Another critical miscalculation on you part. I am well. It is you who are dead.

a funeral is crashed (by another funeral and also a horse)

While his colleagues are at Maxwell’s funeral, Hector Snipe (Dennis Price) is taken to the abandoned theatre which Lionheart has made his home, ostensibly because he wants to give Snipe an exclusive interview regarding his miraculous resurrection.

(this is also where we see Lionheart’s scrapbook collection of newspaper articles by the critics of the guild, aka his little rolodex of hate, aka his burn book <333)

Lionheart confronts Snipe but tricks him into a false sense of security (“it’s alright sir, you’re among friends, sir), actually going as far to tell him that he and his troupe of vagrants (… we’ll get to it) are rehearsing the scene from Troilus and Cressida where Hector, thinking he is among friends, is unexpectedly killed by them.

Lionheart then uses a stage riser mechanism to catapult Snipe up to the stage, where the vagrants attack him. Impaled by a spear, Snipe’s corpse is tied to the tail of a horse, who then drags him away and runs directly into Maxwell’s funeral proceedings, scaring the everloving bejesus out of the critics in attendance.

This is also where we get introduced to Lionheart’s daughter, Edwina (Diana Rigg, genuinely amazing), an on-set make up artist with an understandable grudge against the critics circle herself…

hang on, how did he survive exactly???

This is explained later in the film, but best to get it out of the way here: the group of vagrants which now accompanies Lionheart pulled him out of the Thames after his jump. He survived, and spent two years mapping out the most elaborate and unhinged revenge plot, with their aid.

As you do, naturally.

a new meaning to the phrase “invasive surgery”

Critic number three is Horace Spout (Arthur Lowe) and for his dramatic demise, Lionheart re-interprets Cloten’s death in Cymbeline. Along with his assistant-with-an-ever-shifting-disguise, he arranges to be deposited directly into Sprout’s home by way of hiding in a decorative chest, presented to Sprout and his wife as a gift. After they’ve gone to bed, Lionheart and Assistant climb out of the chest like it’s the fucking Trojan horse and set to work on surgically (yes, really) beheading Sprout.

Mrs. Sprout wakes up to a The Godfather level of a shock, except without a horse’s head and with the head of her husband.

lol his last name is Dickman and he’s a bit of a perv

By now the police is very definitely involved, instructing the critics to remain in their house and only leave when they are collected by a driver. This message has not yet reached our next victim, Trevor Dickman (Harry Andrews), who is out for lunch when he spots a beautiful, mysterious young lady rehearsing some lines (yes it is the Mysterious Assistant in yet another disguise and by now you should have realised who it is). He sidles up to her like the slimy dickhead he is, and the Assistant has no problem in convincing him to come to the rehearsal of this cool new play she’s in which is definitely real.

Said “new play” is a bold retelling of The Merchant of Venice (directed by E. Lionheart, starring E. Lionheart as Shylock) in which Antonio is forced to repay his debt with a pound of flesh - the pound in question being Dickman’s heart, which is skillfully removed from his chest and brought gift-wrapped (!!!) to the police and Peregrine Devlin (Ian Hendry), the only critic who seems clever enough to actually be of help in the investigation into the murders.

hang on, why are all the deaths related to Shakespeare?

I’m glad you ask, he is of course killing them in ways similar to murder scenes in the last season of Shakespeare he performed (the one which culminated in the awards catastrophe) and he is of course killing them in the order the plays were performed.

As you do, naturally.

wining and dying

Oliver Larding (Robert Coote), the fifth critic to meet the wrath of Lionheart, does so by way of attending a very unorthodox tour of a winery which ends with the vagrants (because of course) drowning him in a vat of wine, in the style of the death of the Duke of Clarence in Richard III.

Ah yes, wine with the tang of corpse, how delightful.

of course there’s a fencing match in this movie why wouldn’t there be

Romeo & Juliet is on the docket next, and it sees Peregrine Devlin lured to a fencing gymnasium by Lionheart. He re-enacts the sword fight from the play, badly wounding Devlin but choosing to spare his life at this point in time - possibly the only mistake Lionheart makes in his grand plan because Devlin surviving will matter later on.

a cameo from Diana Dors

Solomon Psaltery (Jack Hawkins) is the victim of perhaps Lionheart’s most ambitious scheme, as it is revealed that this one in particular has had the seeds sown for it months prior. Psaltery, a terminally jealous man, is led to believe his wife (played by Diana Dors who looks so devastatingly beautiful in this one scene it’s actually breathtaking) is cheating on him, and has been cheating on him for some time with a visiting…. I want to say fitness instructor? Doctor? Anyway, it’s fucking Lionheart in a disguise, and he’s been visiting her for the last few months.

While Psaltery does not get murdered, he does murder his own wife, enraged by her perceived infidelity. All Lionheart has to do is casually tell a passing police officer that if he’s not mistaken, Mr Psaltery is murdering his wife (no really, that’s what he says) and BAM, Mr. Psaltery is doomed to die behind bars.

Meanwhile, Devlin tries to convince Edwina to help the investigation out, something which she is absolutely not willing to do given the circumstances of her father’s “death”. Again, this will matter shortly.

“Butch the Hairdresser”

This Bob Ross-looking motherfucker, this fucking diva, I swear to god. For the seventh critic on the menu of vengeance, Ms. Chloe Moon (Coral Browne - the future third Mrs. Vincent Price), Lionheart has in mind the burning of Joan of Arc from Henry VI, Part 1. But how does one replicate the burning of Joan of Arc, do you ask? Why, by posing as a camp hairdresser named Butch who is just ITCHING to try out these lovely new rollers he got from GAY PAREE (his words, very much not mine), just sit back and relax, don’t worry about being attached to any source of electricity, just sit back and give into Butch’s Signature Method baybee.

Long story short, Butch electrocutes Ms. Moon to death and every single second of this scene is gloriously OTT, love it, no notes, NEXT.

a new meaning to the phrase “a dog’s dinner”

Meredith Merridew, This is Your Dish! Yes, you are the star of this week’s episode of this definitely real television show! Look at the definitely real TV crew set up around your house! Sit down, relax, and don’t worry about where your two little dogs who you have frequently mentioned are like your children have gone! The death of Queen Tamora in Titus Andronicus, you say? Nothing to do with the lovely pie that’s being presented to you! You say it tastes a bit funny? No, don’t worry, it doesn’t taste suspiciously of dog! Now, eat I say! EAT AND FUCKING CHOKE!

(this one is very hard to watch because it borders dangerously on the Mr. Creosote scene from Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life and I cannot deal with things like that if I’m honest with you)

IT WAS EDWINA ALL ALONG

In a twist that you yourself will have figured out long before the movie tells you, Edwina is Lionheart’s accomplice.

King Lear comes to bite Edward Lionheart in the ass (royally)

Edwina suddenly seems very keen to help Devlin and the police, having (according to her) been contacted by her father who has apparently expressed a desire to atone for his deeds. Of course, Edwina being Lionheart’s closest accomplice, she kidnaps Devlin and brings him to the theatre, where Lionheart is waiting for a recreation/rectification of the Critics Awards. He gives Devlin the choice of either giving him the award or being blinded by red-hot daggers in the manner of Gloucester in King Lear.

Devlin refuses, but the contraption meant to blind him gets stuck halfway. Enraged, Lionheart sets the theatre on fire, and in the commotion, Edwina is killed, unwittingly casting her as Cordelia, Lear’s youngest daughter. Carrying her body, Lionheart retreats to the roof as Devlin escapes outside, where the police and a group of bystanders are witnessing the chaos. After delivering Lear’s final monologue on the roof, it caves in, sending Lionheart to his death.

a final review

Devlin watches as Lionheart falls through the roof. The film ends with one final, measured review from the last surviving critic (apart from Psaltery, but he’s in prison so he doesn’t get to play).

Inspector Boot: Was that dialogue from King Lear?

Peregrine Devlin: Yes. A remarkable performance. He was overacting as usual, but he knew how to make an exit.

And what was the lesson we learned today, folks? That’s right:

*but also remain very bitter indeed